Dinner at the IHOP

So now that you have read about how my children came into this world, it's time for you to realize the hilariously embarrassing moments I endure with them at my side. So I decide to take them to IHOP for dinner last night. What can I say I love pancakes!! So I tell me kids that I expect them to be quiet and GOOD when we go in. Why do I waste my breath???


Thankfully IHOP isn't crowded with people on a Thursday evening. I guess pancakes aren't as high on other people's priority list as they are on mine. Those people need help. So there I am surrounded by old people who give me sweet smiles because they think it's so precious that I am out to dinner with my sweet angels. All I can think is "You won't be smiling soon, you will probably be asking to be relocated possibly to a different IHOP!!" 

Kiddy Meltdown!!

So we sit down...CORRECTION my kids start getting loud about how they both want to sit by me. I'm trying to convince them otherwise while the waitress tries to suppress a laugh and take our drink order. Can't you see that I'm in the middle of KIDDY MELTDOWN over here?? Did I mention that I haven't even sat down yet???????? Geez, this was a great idea. So I sit down in between them (after I made the mistake of just scooting in the booth which meant only one kid would sit next to me). 


Ok so now we're seated. Drinks have been ordered. FYI IHOP doesn't have alcohol....I asked. Ok I guess I will just have to get buzzed on syrup covered pancakes - problem solved. So all is fine for a couple of minutes until my daughter decides to laugh really hard which of course squeezes a really loud fart out. Ok so if you don't have kids you would naturally assume she would be embarrassed and be quiet. WRONG!!! She proceeds to laugh harder (more farting...of course) and starts informing me - as if I didn't hear and now smell what had happened - that she farted. I try to quiet her down which only makes it worse. Those old people are not so smiley now. Hmmm.....weird. Apparently now since Maddy is laughing so hard she is also causing herself to burp. Yes that's right folks, it's coming out of both ends. 


What is my son doing while all this is happening, you ask? Well he's also LOUDLY pointing out what is happening. Embarrassed doesn't really seem an appropriate word for my feelings. I finally switch to the other side of the booth since I can't handle it any more. Where is that waitress with our food???? Time couldn't be crawling by any slower. So I try using my handy DISTRACTION tool and say "Hey guys why don't you draw Mommy a pretty picture" That worked for about 5 seconds. 


Our food has arrived!! Thank the Lord!! So I thought the farting/episode was bad, no no my kids made it worse by acting like they have never seen food before. Forks?? What are those?? They literally start picking up and shoving their food in their mouths. This is not finger food. I'm talking pancakes and eggs. Now the looks I'm getting from people seems oddly familiar. I finally put my finger on it. It's JUDGEMENT!!! I'm sure people are prepared to call CPS since I have now threatened my kids to no end to sit still, be quiet, use their forks, etc. 


CHECK PLEASE!!!! It continued until I could get the heck out of there and put those sticky crazed animals in my car and away from all those people that clearly had saints for children. The lesson here?? Never take my kids in public again - that seems rational and realistic. At least until I have another craving for pancakes!!