Stuff My Kids Say: Episode 1

I was reading a book the other day and came across the perfect nicknames for my beautiful at-times-annoying children. I will now refer to them as Did Not (my son) and Did Too (my daughter). It fits them well because I swear it seems like they says those words more than anything else I ever hear, you know other than "MOMMY!!!" Sometimes I wonder why I spent so much time struggling over their names when I could have just made it easier on myself. 

So we all know that kids say the darndest things and we hope that no one is within listening distance to hear them, since a lot of what my kids say tends to be on the offensive side. For instance a couple of weeks ago I was driving to Alabama for a family member's funeral and on the 7 hour drive with the kids there was plenty of fighting from Did Not and Did Too. Unfortunately I realized the morning of the trip that Did Not had broken the portable DVD player and so now it would just be the three of us....for the whole trip....did I mention it was 7 hours? Oh yeah and an hour in Did Too was saying "Are we almost to AlaVama?" to which I replied that we had a LONG way to go and her response was "This is taking for a long time!" Too bad there are open container laws or else I would have had a nice beverage to help pass the time.

Anywho, my husband who can be a little bit of a worrywart, advised me to be careful about where I stopped for fear that we would all be taken as sex slaves I guess. Who knows. But to ease his mind I promised him that I would only stop at decent looking places. So I did. However an hour later Did Too realized that she had to poop so we were in a mad rush to find a place...decent or not. I mean this is a poop or clean situation. I take the former and rush to find a gas station. So as we're pulling off the highway I explain to Did Not that he must go in the bathroom with me instead of the boys since I don't know where we are. He is 5 and a half and likes the independence of going into the boys bathroom on his own when we are in public. I explain that since we're far from home he will have to come into the girls bathroom and it's because there could be weird people in the other bathroom. Well of course Did Too has to contribute to the conversation and proceeds to confirm my thoughts to her brother with this little gem "Yeah, they could be speaking Spanish". 

Clearly to her Weird translates to Spanish speaking individuals. My apologies to those of you who speak Spanish, I did warn you that my kids say somewhat offensive things. All I could do was nod and smile. 

A few months ago I picked up the kids from school and was told an interesting fact about one of Did Too's teachers. Here is the conversation:

Did Too: My Teacher Ms. ______ has a golden tooth. It's like treasure. 
Did Not: It kinda freaks me out.

Then the next time we go to the dentist I find out Did Not needs a cap and was told it would be silver. Well Did Too apparently wanted to discuss our options, so she asks the dentist if he has any golden teeth. Apparently she wants her brother to look like Flava Flave. 
To which his response after giving me an odd smirk was to say "we don't do that on this side of town". Good to know. 

So I don't believe that my kids are racist however I do believe that they are observant. Case in point:

Did Too: Mommy my teacher has nails like you
Did Not: No she doesn't, she's brown.
Me: What does that have to do with anything?
Did Not: *shrugs*
Did Too: Yes she does, she has nails just like Mommy
Did Not: Oh I thought you said a nose.

Well there you go. What do you say to that? It wasn't racist it was such an observation which was probably accurate. Another example of them being observant was when Did Not tried to let our dogs back in from outside and I hear "Mommy, the dogs are stuck together".

It's times like these folks that you thank your lucky stars they are too young to understand things and just see the humor in something. Oh and note to self, time to get the dogs fixed. 

And one final little gem I will leave you with that once again shows how honest and inappropriate kids are. We are on our way to Disney World last year and as we are descending to land my daughter starts laughing. I look over to see what she's laughing at since I am in the seat across the aisle from her and even though the sound of the plane is loud it was no match for Did Too trying to let the whole plane know why she was laughing. All you heard was laughing and then a loud declaration of "It's tickling my pee pee" 

Needless to say the other passengers were having a good laugh over it while I'm trying to hush her and my husband is trying to make sure no one thinks he was doing anything to her. Once again I told you he was a worrywart. 

That completes Episode 1 of Stuff My Kids Say. But don't worry they continue to amaze and publicly embarrass me on a regular basis so there will be more to come....and probably sooner than I would like to admit. 

Momma Bear

Being a mother is a funny thing. Pre-motherhood I would judge parents on their kids throwing fits for not getting candy at the checkout, for putting a leash on their kid or for just looking frazzled. My thoughts were if your kid wasn't such a brat they wouldn't be throwing a fit. Why on earth would you put a child on a leash, they aren't a dog. And finally, take some pride in your appearance. Crow doesn't taste good but I have definitely eaten some now that I am a mother with kids who have thrown tantrums in the checkout, bought a leash since they are slipperly little suckers who can outrun you in a micro-second and YES I have gone out in public in my comfy pants no bra and flip flops. But in my defense it was only to the Dollar General so technically I was just trying to blend in.....right??? Who am I kidding?? If you are reading this and you are not a mother you are judging me like I would have done circa 2006 and if you are mother you are laughing because I have described you to a T. 

No one warned me that this happens to most women because your ultimate concern is your children. Meaning it's ok to wear "comfy clothes" (aka Standard Walmart attire) in public as long as your kids look decent and their hair is fixed. I'm exaggerating only slightly because I do enjoy looking nice and 5 days a week am required to do so since I doubt my boss would approve of my comfy look. He's such a stickler for dress code. 

Comfy clothes aside I have also experienced a reaction I like to call "Momma Bear". Momma Bear encompasses everything I do when my kids are threatened by terrorists also known as bratty kids that need a good kick in the rear - which I am more than happy to provide. I am Mexican after all. Mexicans are very helpful! If someone had told me 10 years ago some of the things I would say to small children and the rage that  would bubble up inside me I would have thought they were crazy. Turns out I may be the one a little off, because I have no problem freeing my inner Hulk. 

Those poor unsuspecting kids - who am I kidding they shouldn't have messed with my kid. They won't forget me anytime soon. The funny thing is you would think I would be coming to my daughter's rescue but in fact it's always my son that needs my Momma Bear assistance. The first thing I remember doing that would have sent pre-mommy Amber into shock was yelling at a small kid at the local McDonald's. He was attempting to push my son down the slide for being too slow BEFORE Elijah had had the chance to sit down. That would have meant he would have fallen down the slide and plummeted to his death so my reaction was justified and if you don't think so YOU ARE NEXT ON MY LIST!!! I recall my exact reaction to this little devil being "HEY!!" to which he looked up a little alarmed (he hadn't seen anything yet). Then, so that he understood me PERFECTLY, I spoke every word slowly and perhaps a little louder than was necessary (you know just in case there were other demons running around) "DON'T....YOU....DARE....TOUCH....HIM!!!" He quite possibly wet himself. But that will be his dad's problem, who did nothing to confront me and I was disappointed. The kid from then on kept letting me know he wasn't touching my kid. That's right you're not. 

Fairly recently Momma Bear reared her ugly head and once again completely justified. I took my kids to a fun indoor playland called Stomping Grounds. I went with a girlfriend who has twins and they were all playing well. If you have small children you know that playing well doesn't mean that the kids don't fight and cry it basically means there are no ER visits. So when my kid comes out crying I assume my friend's son hit him and they would be BFF again within 10 seconds. Then I find out that some little piece of crap SLAPPED Elijah in the face. When I quietly said "WHAT?!?" everyone in the place turned around to hear my private convo with my kid. That conversation went something like this:

Me: WHO HIT YOU?!?

Elijah: A boy

Me: WHY DID HE DO THAT?

Elijah: He said I was in his way and then he pushed me and slapped me in the face

Me: (Fighting the urge to climb in the playland myself) WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?!?

Elijah: He had a Star Wars shirt

My friend to her son: Michael, go in there and find that kid

Me: You don't let people hit you. You don't start fights with other kids BUT YOU FINISH THEM, do you understand me??

Elijah: Yes

Meanwhile, there is this other mother a couple tables over staring at me. I assume she's some sort of hippie who doesn't approve of my parenting skills. Oh well.

Michael: HERE HE IS!!!!!

The next thing I know this same woman who was staring at me decided to call her kid to come sit with her for a while. Wouldn't you know it was the same kid who thought it was ok to slap my kid in the face. I was expecting her to bring her kid over to apologize. Instead she just coddled him. I'm surprised she didn't start nursing her 6 year old right then and there. They left shortly thereafter which MAY have had something to do with my friend and I talking loudly about "MOTHERS WHO LET THEIR KIDS SLAP OTHER KIDS". Hmmm....weird. I'm sure that was just a coincidence. But once she realized there were 2 kids on the lookout for her kid she decided to call it a day. Good riddance. Next time you will know not to mess with the MOMMA BEAR!!!! 

The moral of this story is that I don't care who or how old you are, you mess with my kid and you better be packin' some heat! Aren't my kids so lucky to have a Momma Bear like me? I think so too. 

31 Days of Crafting: Semi-Fail

Week 1 went very well I think. Then it all started to go downhill. I guess I'm saying that because I didn't follow the "plan" to the T. I won't say I have a fear of commitment but rather a lack of follow through. I had very good intentions and all in all I would have to say that I was successful since my ultimate goal was just to spend more time with my kids.  I have let them cook with me several times. Lots of egg cracking followed by a lot of picking out egg shells. But that's to be expected. They got the hang of it pretty quickly I guess. My kids were super excited to help me cook and that really showed me that it doesn't matter what I'm doing with them as long as it's quality time. QUALITY not QUANTITY! 

I just have to remember to keep working on it. It's so easy to come home and just want to lay around after working all day. And lately I've been hitting the gym so I can look like this: 

Oops wrong picture!! More like this:

So with all the working and working out that leaves less time at home. But I am still making an effort to let the kids help me more and not try to do anything myself. I'm sure that has nothing to do with my anal personality (I can hear my mother laughing now). I also bought the kids some school workbooks so they can work on their education. Since they are 4 years old we're way behind on them being the next Sheldon Coopers of the world. No kids of mine are going to take 4 years to finish high school!! They will be in med school by the time they are 14 like Doogie Howser. 

Seriously though I am not that crazy. If they are brilliant enough to do that then great, I'm just hoping they are smart enough to put money away for me to stay in the top of the line nursing home where I can scream obscenities at random strangers and get away with it. One of the things that we did was take cards to a senior living facility and one of the residents just randomly started cursing. Not at anyone just saying words. Random but true. Sometimes that old people are just plain crazy. 

So although July was a flop in the sense that I barely did any of the things on the list I did make a much bigger effort to spend quality time with my kiddos and I think we all had a fun month. In that sense I believe it was a success.

31 Days of Crafting: Week 1

This is hard! Not because I don't like spending time with my kids because I do. But mainly because I think I was trying to be too "crafty" with it. The ultimate goal was just to spend more time with them minus the TV. Even though we do watch a lot of Big Bang Theory which I believe is educational and musical since my son loves to sing the theme song. Anyway back to my crafting dilemma. So it started out fine:


July 1: Bath Paints 
This went well the kids had fun and made a huge mess but that was kinda the point. Who knew that shaving cream and a little blue food coloring could stain grout?? Well I do....now. Oh well at least it looks pretty. Oh and next time I won't be using a men's shaving cream. The bathroom and my bedroom smelled very masculine. That smell is fine in small doses. You would have thought I filled a Febreeze bottle and started spraying around my room with cologne. Ugh it was awful. The point was to have fun and the kids did. I also realized that they were very nervous in the beginning to make a mess because they have a mother like me. They kept asking if they could put it here or there. They eased up after a few minutes when they realized I wasn't going to go all "wire hanger" crazy on them. 


July 2: Giant Bubbles
FAIL!!! No bubbles actually resulted from this method. At least not for us. And since these are children they have no patience to keep trying. So they just blew regular sized bubbles and all was right in the world again! YAY!!


July 3: Fireworks
My husband wanted to get some fireworks and since he is the King of his Castle....wait that's not right. Oh now I remember, since I wanted fireworks too it was to be done! Yep that's how it works in my house. If not there tends to be yelling. So we got fireworks and the kids played with sparklers and those little paper poppers you throw on the ground. That's crafty right? Well either way we were together.


July 4: Fizz Explosion
Baking Soda + Food Coloring + Vinegar = Stained Patio. Who cares, we're renting. Hmmm....may not be the best attitude. But the kids had fun making the cups overflow with pink and blue foamy fizz. 


July 5: NO CRAFTING
Aaaaahhh the horror. But I worked all day then I went to see a movie with my girlfriends. Hey sometimes you need to get out and have a drink and eat some fried pickles and watch Channing Tatum shake his thang!! Good times. 


July 6: Pizza and Ice Cream Sundae party
I feel like since we were together and they were having fun it was all good. The kids got to watch Madagascar and play with toys while I played Jenga and was AWESOME!! Ooops, I keep forgetting this isn't about me. Sorry hard habit to break - Only Child Syndrome! 


July 7: Random Acts of Kindness: Card Marking for Senior Home
I LOVED THIS!!! The kids went crazy decorating their cards but they got overly focused on their first and had a hard time moving on so that we could get all 16 done. Thanks to my friend Traci and her son we were able to finish them and deliver them by lunch time. It was good in many ways. 1st - It taught the kids to do things for others. 2nd - Traci worked to get over her fear of old people. And 3rd - I got to hear a crazy old lady with Alzheimer's start randomly cursing when my kids tried to hand her a card. Priceless. Why because for once my kids weren't hearing it come out of my mouth.


July 8: Cleaning disguised as Crafting (GENIUS!!)
The house was a mess, what else is new?? So we cleaned the house and then kids helped by putting the DVD's back in the right cases and also wiping down the dusty entertainment center. Now I have to say my daughter enjoyed this more because she's OCD and loves to clean. I've had to cut her off when it comes to the Clorox wipes. My son only joined in when we used the male weakness: "I bet you can't do this" Works every time. And wives it works on the hubsters too. But use it sparingly so they don't catch on. 


July 9: Get Well Soon Cards for Pappas
My grandfather (who I call Pappas - no one knows why) had to have a Pacemaker put in last Friday and so the kids got yet another chance to use the glitter pens they love so much. Elijah had fun making Spiderman and the Black Spiderman. I was actually pretty impressed because he used a white crayon to make a web shooting from his hand to a building. My little smarty pants! Oh and of course the kids always make me sing the SpiderPig song. Maddy on the other hand wanted her card to say Thank You. I tried to convince her to write Get Well Soon but after a couple tries I let it go because hey at least she's using her manners! Maybe it's a "Thank You for getting a Pacemaker" card. It's her card she makes the tough choices on what direction to go in with it.


July 10: Sweet Tooth Tuesday a.k.a. Marshallow Decorating 
This was basically an excuse to stuff marshmallows, whipped cream, chocolate and sprinkles in my mouth at once. And let me tell you after eating great all that day and going to the gym TWICE, I earned it. Ok, maybe not the best way of thinking but it was true. Elijah doesn't like marshmallows - WEIRD KID!! So he substituted strawberries instead. So technically I guess it counts as healthy, ya know, in some alternate universe where Carrabba's bread helps you get a six pack. Oh if only I could find a worm hole to that wonderful place. 


So that's what we've been up to so far. And although I plan to try out a few more of the ideas from my "Game Plan" I still think that the kids and I are having fun spending time together without following the plan. That's what I really wanted to get out of all of this and so far so good.

31 Days of Crafting: Game Plan

As you are aware my July plan is to complete AND ENJOY "31 Days of Crafting with my Kids". But what are we going to do? Well I am glad you asked. I have completed my list. I wanted to make sure I did a mixture of different things. Who wants to blog or read about the 31 days of coloring with my kids?? Not me!! So here is the list and it is linked to the site I found it on too, if you would like to attempt these with me.


1-4. RAK (Random Acts of Kindness) Handmade Cards for Senior Living Facilities
*Since I plan to do this once a week I am listing it as Numbers 1-4.
5. RAK Homemade dog treats for local shelter
6. Decorate Marshmallows on a stick

7. Bird Feeder A & Bird Feeder B (I did 2 options so we can see which one works better)

       

8. Snack Necklaces

9. Naked Egg Spoon Race (I added in the part to do a spoon race, gotta spice things up a bit)

10. RAK Homemade Cookies to Bums (the PC term would be Homeless or Residence-Challenged)
11. RAK Rice Krispy Treats to Texas Childrens' Hospital
12. Mommy Makeover - I'm going to let the kids do my hair and makeup and then we will go out in public...maybe!

 YIKES!!!!

13. Toe Painting - like finger painting but with our toes
14. Flubber

15. Fizzy Fun

16. Ivory Soap Explosion

17. Balloon Blow-Up

18. Volcano

19. Laser Obstacle Course

20. Sidewalk Paint

21. Slime in the Ice Machine (ok just Slime - but I had to throw in that Marvin Zindler reference) 

22. Diet Coke & Mentos Trick (I'm not going to do it as a prank. It will DEFINITELY be done outside)

23. Stained Glass

24. Cloud Dough

25. Disney Letter

26. Moon Phases with Oreos

27. Balloon Decorating - Coloring faces on balloons with markers
28. Giant Bubble Making

29. Bathtub Painting 

30. Mail Odd Items

AND FINALLY.....
31. Pool Noodle Race Track  

I really hope some of you will try out some of these. July is all about spending quality time with my kids without the constant assistance of Dora or Diego. Oh how I will miss them, but I am so looking forward to this experiment. Let me know what you think!!


I will be posting about the projects along the way. 

31 Days of Crafting with my Kids

In an effort to be a better mother and also to stop my husband from nagging at me about us not doing enough with the kids (it's always "us" when he wants me to do stuff...hmmm....weird) I have decided that I am going to do a little experiment. Not anything as extreme as sheep cloning, though I could use a clone of myself. Clone-Me would be responsible for all of the cleaning, cooking and anything else Regular Me doesn't want to do. I won't hold my breath for that but one can dream.


My experiment is to craft with my kids every day in July. I have been pinning things on Pinterest for a couple of weeks and now need to organize it all to figure out what I'm going to do each day. I can pretty much guarantee that my house will be a disaster next month. But that's ok because my husband said "we" would work together to keep the house clean. Oh wait...that means that I will be doing everything I guess. Ok, horribly messy house it is. I'm actually really looking forward to this. I have felt guilty that I don't do enough with the kids. I want to relax after working all day and squeezing in the gym. Who doesn't? But it's not fair to my babies. 


Some of the ideas that I have pinned right now I'm really excited about. I may have to double my anxiety medication to not freak out about the mess but I will take plenty of pictures. Then when my kids decide they need therapy because "Mommy was a freak about messes" I will waltz in and show that Shrink that there was a time when I let the messes slide and played with slime with my kids....once....when they were very little. 


Some of the crafts I am planning on tackling with the kids are going to be a blast. 

I also found a link to "75 things to do with your kids" and one was "Ding Dong Ditch". That should be a fun one to do to my neighbor that despises me. I'm sure she'll find the humor in that. Don't you think? No? Well I will just have to explain that I am crafting with my kids and she can kiss my big.........  Alright, that's probably not the best way to approach that situation. 

My next post will be about my neighbors and their big move. 

Hide and Seek

As a way to spend some quality time with the kids last Sunday, my husband made the mistake of suggesting we all play Hide and Seek. He obviously has a short term memory and forgot who his kids are. But what do I know, right?? In case you aren't sure the correct answer to that question is "Everything, Master!" 


So we start to play and the kids always like to "be it" and count. See they are weird kids. No kid wants to "be it". I remember feeling like it was a prison sentence to have to count, but nevertheless they love it so who am I to deprive them?? So they close their eyes and count to 10. I'm well hidden because I take this game very seriously. Why?? I don't really have an answer for that. I just know that I act like it's an Olympic Game that I will not lose. Well, that is until it's been about 20 seconds and my kids can't find me and start to cry. So then I have to go against my competitive Hide and Seek nature and say "Come find me" so they can get an idea of where I am. My kids rarely get my general direction until about the 5th "Come find me" when I'm now sweating from crouching in their closet for what seems like F-O-R-E-V-E-R!! I'm now cursing my husband for suggesting this game!!


They FINALLY find me so now it's time to find Daddy since he always seems to hide in dark areas where they are too scared to look. Clever!! So now that I'm sweaty I decide his break time is over. We find him too! Everyone is happy. Can I have a margarita yet?? No? Oh, yeah now it's our turn to count. 


1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15 Ready or Not, Here we come!! All I hear is "Hee hee" They are the worst hiders!! Then they step out and start laughing. They completely do not understand the game. But they are just so cute. It's hard to not start laughing and keep playing. 


I think that's what parenthood is: Doing things for your kids, even though you would rather lie in bed and read, just to keep hearing them laugh. Sometimes while I'm driving I just tell the kids to show me their ugliest face and then we have a contest to see who has the ugliest face. I always win! Uh...I probably shouldn't be proud of that, but I'm a mother so I am. 


Well I gotta go so I can play another game of Hide and Seek or Ugliest Face or watch Hoarders with the kids so we can yell "Ewww GROSS look at all those roaches!!" 


What can I say I'm a fun mom!