Scary Mommy wrote this wonderful list which is completely true. It's like she lives in my house. So I decided to write my responses. Hope you enjoy!!
1. Super glue has no place in a house with young children. - Yet it just so happens I have some on my kitchen counters. I must like stress and yelling at my kids!! It's like I'm testing them. Poor kids, even I feel sorry for them....sometimes!
2. Neither do Sharpies. - Learned that the hard way....more than once. I must have a short term memory.
3. There is no such thing as allowing your kid to play with your phone "just once." - Or calling your friends by accident. I can't imagine the conversations my friends have listened to and yet they have still not reported me to CPS. That's true friendship!!
4. Don't use Google to diagnose illnesses. Ever. - My kids are hypochondriacs (if you know my husband you understand why) so I never worry about what they say. Unless there is vomit or their forehead has caught on fire from fever I'm sure they are fine, right??
5. Dollar store toys cost far more than a dollar in frustration, anguish and regret. - My kids still beg for these dumb toys and I still buy them. I must be a glutton for punishment.
6. The terrible twos are bullshit. The terribleness lasts through at least age 4. Or, forever. - Thanks for the heads-up. Mine are 3 and 4 and I was hoping it would end soon, now I know not to hold my breath. I'm off to the liquor store now.
7. Always carry wipes, long after diaper wearing has ended. - I have said "Ewww GROSS, what is that???" too many times to count.
8. Resist purchasing character Bandaids, unless you're prepared to buy a box a week. - I've explained to my kids Bandaids are for blood but it makes no difference to them. Dear Bandaid Makers - You have won this round with your Princess and Race Car themed Bandaids. I hate you. Sincerely, Frustrated Mother!!!!
9. You can never have too many Goldfish. The crackers, not the live ones. - Now I know why the make that HUGE Gallon sized box. It's made to get you through the weekend. Half are eaten the other half and split between the dogs and being crushed into the carpet and sofa. Goldfish should team up with Hoover and come out with a combo pack "Buy 2 boxes of Goldfish get a free vacuum".
10. Don't buy bunk beds, unless you have absolutely no choice. - Haven't done this yet. But as with the rest of the things I shouldn't do I'm sure I will end up doing this against my better judgement. I hear a lot of fighting over the top bunk in my near future.
11. Keep track of who gave what at birthday parties. - Who cares? Everything will be broken by the end of the day anyway.
12. Never stock batteries in your house, or you will be forced to make obnoxiously loud toys work once again. - I hate these toys. Yes HATE is a strong word. It's deserved!!
13. Buy Mr. Clean Erasers in bulk. - All cleaning supplies need to be bought in bulk, especially paper towels.
14. Backup all photos. Better yet, print them. - I store them at work, that way they can't delete them with their innocent picture taking.
15. Look in the oven before you turn it on. - I've put the fear of God into my kids about the oven and how it burns their flesh off if they even look at it. I think I'm good.
16. There is no point in making beds. - I never understood the point, even when I was a kid.
17. Accept the fact that you will turn into your mother. - That happened a long time ago. My mother and I have a good laugh about this on a weekly basis.
18. Always check pockets before washing clothes. - I never do, I like to be surprised with money, toys, candy, etc.
19. There is no such thing as "running" into Target with children. - There is if you can outrun the kids. But be prepared for horrible looks from other shoppers. Damn judgmental people.
20. Take more video. - They are so funny, especially when they aren't trying to be.
21. Daily baths are overrated. - Agreed, I wouldn't want to dry out their baby soft skin or stop watching The Big Bang Theory 2 days in a row!
22. Find young babysitters and groom them. The less attractive, the better. - And once you find one, don't tell your friends, they will turn into vultures!!
23. Always have ample one dollar bills on hand for lost teeth and bribery. - My kids are still young enough that shiny pennies still do the trick!
24. Carry plenty of emergency snacks in the car. - I never have enough!!
25. Keep expensive cosmetics out of arm's reach. Arm's reach, on a stool and tippy toes. - Even then they still get to it. I swear they must be into witchcraft!!
26. The 4-year-old check-up is brutal. - That's what Frozen Yogurt is for, they forget that you just held them down to be stabbed over and over and begin to love you again.
27. Look before you sit down to pee. - Nothing like having to take a shower after because you didn't look and realize that your kid left you a nice present on the seat.
28. Train your children to clean up all Legos before bed, knowing that nothing is more painful than stepping on a Lego with a bare foot at midnight. - It doesn't matter, I'm convinced the toys move while I'm sleeping so that I will still step on them.
29. Save "no" for when it really matters. - My kids already know I hardly ever mean it when I say no. Well I mean it they just nag until I give in.
30. Over-apply sunscreen. - I'm going to have to start buying this at Sam's Club to get the bulk discount.
31. Practice caution when approaching that stray raisin on the floor. It's probably not a raisin. - With dogs and kids, my guess would be poop.
32. Never pay full price for kids' clothes. They always go on sale and the expensive ones inevitably get ruined first. - I shop at a Thrift Store or Walmart (they are about the same thing). Usually by the time I get home they have grown out of it.
33. There's a reason why people surprise their kids with trips to Disney: Their anticipation may kill you. - My kids did a countdown everyday. But I don't know who was more excited my husband or my kids, he was egging them on.
34. Don't take their word for it when children say they don't need to pee before leaving the house. - Or poop!
35. Lock your bedroom door. - I do and then they have a meltdown outside my door. You would think ravenous wolves broke in my house and are eating them. And every time I get up to check and nothing. Is it bad that sometimes I am disappointed when I don't find wolves???
36. And, your bathroom one. - My kids honestly don't understand why I don't want an audience. Who wouldn't want someone watching them while they wipe and comment on their private parts???
37. Never open a can of soda handed to you by a child. - I don't keep soda cans in the house. Problem solved.
38. Walk away from temper tantrums. Or, record them for future enjoyment. - Or throw one yourself and see the horror in your kids eyes when they think they've driven you to insanity. Pretty funny!
39. Upset as you may be, hair grows back. - I've always caught them just in time!!
40. But, not on Barbie dolls, so hide the scissors. - I really wouldn't care, as long as they clean up the mess. Who am I kidding???
41. Never buy more than two pairs of shoes at once. Their feet will inevitably grow once you do. - Or let your mother buy them.
42. No matter how hard they promise, kids will never walk that puppy as much as you hoped. - My husband has a pet store, it's not the kids I have to tell NO to about more animals, it's him. So far with 2 cats, 3 dogs, 3 snakes, and a tortoise I would say I'm not doing a great job!
43. Give away the books you can't stand reading. - Or don't buy them in the first place.
44. No child went to college with a pacifier. - For my kids it would be a receipt and my daughter would need one of my shirts to suck her thumb with. Oh and FYI I met a 22 year old that sucked her thumb so don't be too sure.
45. Don't buy any toy that is meant to come apart, unless they can put it back together themselves. - Even if they can put it together themselves they won't!!! I PROMISE!!
46. Keep a well-hidden stock of lollipops. - Any candy really, but keep it HIDDEN!! They are treasure hunters.
47. Don't allow Play-Doh on carpets. Or, indoors, for that matter. - I never tell my kids to clean it up and then it just dries up and I can throw it away. I know, I'm brilliant!
48. TV won't really turn their brains to mush. - Thank God, I was having a little guilt now and then.
49. A bathroom in a house with boys will never smell clean. - Especially when they never flush! You would think it would be easy for them to make it into the toilet since they can AIM. But regardless, it's everywhere else.
50. It doesn't get easier. - Thanks for the good news. I wonder what the stats are on Mothers of small children and the consumption of booze??
YIKES!!!!
