Momma Bear

Being a mother is a funny thing. Pre-motherhood I would judge parents on their kids throwing fits for not getting candy at the checkout, for putting a leash on their kid or for just looking frazzled. My thoughts were if your kid wasn't such a brat they wouldn't be throwing a fit. Why on earth would you put a child on a leash, they aren't a dog. And finally, take some pride in your appearance. Crow doesn't taste good but I have definitely eaten some now that I am a mother with kids who have thrown tantrums in the checkout, bought a leash since they are slipperly little suckers who can outrun you in a micro-second and YES I have gone out in public in my comfy pants no bra and flip flops. But in my defense it was only to the Dollar General so technically I was just trying to blend in.....right??? Who am I kidding?? If you are reading this and you are not a mother you are judging me like I would have done circa 2006 and if you are mother you are laughing because I have described you to a T. 

No one warned me that this happens to most women because your ultimate concern is your children. Meaning it's ok to wear "comfy clothes" (aka Standard Walmart attire) in public as long as your kids look decent and their hair is fixed. I'm exaggerating only slightly because I do enjoy looking nice and 5 days a week am required to do so since I doubt my boss would approve of my comfy look. He's such a stickler for dress code. 

Comfy clothes aside I have also experienced a reaction I like to call "Momma Bear". Momma Bear encompasses everything I do when my kids are threatened by terrorists also known as bratty kids that need a good kick in the rear - which I am more than happy to provide. I am Mexican after all. Mexicans are very helpful! If someone had told me 10 years ago some of the things I would say to small children and the rage that  would bubble up inside me I would have thought they were crazy. Turns out I may be the one a little off, because I have no problem freeing my inner Hulk. 

Those poor unsuspecting kids - who am I kidding they shouldn't have messed with my kid. They won't forget me anytime soon. The funny thing is you would think I would be coming to my daughter's rescue but in fact it's always my son that needs my Momma Bear assistance. The first thing I remember doing that would have sent pre-mommy Amber into shock was yelling at a small kid at the local McDonald's. He was attempting to push my son down the slide for being too slow BEFORE Elijah had had the chance to sit down. That would have meant he would have fallen down the slide and plummeted to his death so my reaction was justified and if you don't think so YOU ARE NEXT ON MY LIST!!! I recall my exact reaction to this little devil being "HEY!!" to which he looked up a little alarmed (he hadn't seen anything yet). Then, so that he understood me PERFECTLY, I spoke every word slowly and perhaps a little louder than was necessary (you know just in case there were other demons running around) "DON'T....YOU....DARE....TOUCH....HIM!!!" He quite possibly wet himself. But that will be his dad's problem, who did nothing to confront me and I was disappointed. The kid from then on kept letting me know he wasn't touching my kid. That's right you're not. 

Fairly recently Momma Bear reared her ugly head and once again completely justified. I took my kids to a fun indoor playland called Stomping Grounds. I went with a girlfriend who has twins and they were all playing well. If you have small children you know that playing well doesn't mean that the kids don't fight and cry it basically means there are no ER visits. So when my kid comes out crying I assume my friend's son hit him and they would be BFF again within 10 seconds. Then I find out that some little piece of crap SLAPPED Elijah in the face. When I quietly said "WHAT?!?" everyone in the place turned around to hear my private convo with my kid. That conversation went something like this:

Me: WHO HIT YOU?!?

Elijah: A boy

Me: WHY DID HE DO THAT?

Elijah: He said I was in his way and then he pushed me and slapped me in the face

Me: (Fighting the urge to climb in the playland myself) WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?!?

Elijah: He had a Star Wars shirt

My friend to her son: Michael, go in there and find that kid

Me: You don't let people hit you. You don't start fights with other kids BUT YOU FINISH THEM, do you understand me??

Elijah: Yes

Meanwhile, there is this other mother a couple tables over staring at me. I assume she's some sort of hippie who doesn't approve of my parenting skills. Oh well.

Michael: HERE HE IS!!!!!

The next thing I know this same woman who was staring at me decided to call her kid to come sit with her for a while. Wouldn't you know it was the same kid who thought it was ok to slap my kid in the face. I was expecting her to bring her kid over to apologize. Instead she just coddled him. I'm surprised she didn't start nursing her 6 year old right then and there. They left shortly thereafter which MAY have had something to do with my friend and I talking loudly about "MOTHERS WHO LET THEIR KIDS SLAP OTHER KIDS". Hmmm....weird. I'm sure that was just a coincidence. But once she realized there were 2 kids on the lookout for her kid she decided to call it a day. Good riddance. Next time you will know not to mess with the MOMMA BEAR!!!! 

The moral of this story is that I don't care who or how old you are, you mess with my kid and you better be packin' some heat! Aren't my kids so lucky to have a Momma Bear like me? I think so too. 

31 Days of Crafting: Semi-Fail

Week 1 went very well I think. Then it all started to go downhill. I guess I'm saying that because I didn't follow the "plan" to the T. I won't say I have a fear of commitment but rather a lack of follow through. I had very good intentions and all in all I would have to say that I was successful since my ultimate goal was just to spend more time with my kids.  I have let them cook with me several times. Lots of egg cracking followed by a lot of picking out egg shells. But that's to be expected. They got the hang of it pretty quickly I guess. My kids were super excited to help me cook and that really showed me that it doesn't matter what I'm doing with them as long as it's quality time. QUALITY not QUANTITY! 

I just have to remember to keep working on it. It's so easy to come home and just want to lay around after working all day. And lately I've been hitting the gym so I can look like this: 

Oops wrong picture!! More like this:

So with all the working and working out that leaves less time at home. But I am still making an effort to let the kids help me more and not try to do anything myself. I'm sure that has nothing to do with my anal personality (I can hear my mother laughing now). I also bought the kids some school workbooks so they can work on their education. Since they are 4 years old we're way behind on them being the next Sheldon Coopers of the world. No kids of mine are going to take 4 years to finish high school!! They will be in med school by the time they are 14 like Doogie Howser. 

Seriously though I am not that crazy. If they are brilliant enough to do that then great, I'm just hoping they are smart enough to put money away for me to stay in the top of the line nursing home where I can scream obscenities at random strangers and get away with it. One of the things that we did was take cards to a senior living facility and one of the residents just randomly started cursing. Not at anyone just saying words. Random but true. Sometimes that old people are just plain crazy. 

So although July was a flop in the sense that I barely did any of the things on the list I did make a much bigger effort to spend quality time with my kiddos and I think we all had a fun month. In that sense I believe it was a success.

31 Days of Crafting: Week 1

This is hard! Not because I don't like spending time with my kids because I do. But mainly because I think I was trying to be too "crafty" with it. The ultimate goal was just to spend more time with them minus the TV. Even though we do watch a lot of Big Bang Theory which I believe is educational and musical since my son loves to sing the theme song. Anyway back to my crafting dilemma. So it started out fine:


July 1: Bath Paints 
This went well the kids had fun and made a huge mess but that was kinda the point. Who knew that shaving cream and a little blue food coloring could stain grout?? Well I do....now. Oh well at least it looks pretty. Oh and next time I won't be using a men's shaving cream. The bathroom and my bedroom smelled very masculine. That smell is fine in small doses. You would have thought I filled a Febreeze bottle and started spraying around my room with cologne. Ugh it was awful. The point was to have fun and the kids did. I also realized that they were very nervous in the beginning to make a mess because they have a mother like me. They kept asking if they could put it here or there. They eased up after a few minutes when they realized I wasn't going to go all "wire hanger" crazy on them. 


July 2: Giant Bubbles
FAIL!!! No bubbles actually resulted from this method. At least not for us. And since these are children they have no patience to keep trying. So they just blew regular sized bubbles and all was right in the world again! YAY!!


July 3: Fireworks
My husband wanted to get some fireworks and since he is the King of his Castle....wait that's not right. Oh now I remember, since I wanted fireworks too it was to be done! Yep that's how it works in my house. If not there tends to be yelling. So we got fireworks and the kids played with sparklers and those little paper poppers you throw on the ground. That's crafty right? Well either way we were together.


July 4: Fizz Explosion
Baking Soda + Food Coloring + Vinegar = Stained Patio. Who cares, we're renting. Hmmm....may not be the best attitude. But the kids had fun making the cups overflow with pink and blue foamy fizz. 


July 5: NO CRAFTING
Aaaaahhh the horror. But I worked all day then I went to see a movie with my girlfriends. Hey sometimes you need to get out and have a drink and eat some fried pickles and watch Channing Tatum shake his thang!! Good times. 


July 6: Pizza and Ice Cream Sundae party
I feel like since we were together and they were having fun it was all good. The kids got to watch Madagascar and play with toys while I played Jenga and was AWESOME!! Ooops, I keep forgetting this isn't about me. Sorry hard habit to break - Only Child Syndrome! 


July 7: Random Acts of Kindness: Card Marking for Senior Home
I LOVED THIS!!! The kids went crazy decorating their cards but they got overly focused on their first and had a hard time moving on so that we could get all 16 done. Thanks to my friend Traci and her son we were able to finish them and deliver them by lunch time. It was good in many ways. 1st - It taught the kids to do things for others. 2nd - Traci worked to get over her fear of old people. And 3rd - I got to hear a crazy old lady with Alzheimer's start randomly cursing when my kids tried to hand her a card. Priceless. Why because for once my kids weren't hearing it come out of my mouth.


July 8: Cleaning disguised as Crafting (GENIUS!!)
The house was a mess, what else is new?? So we cleaned the house and then kids helped by putting the DVD's back in the right cases and also wiping down the dusty entertainment center. Now I have to say my daughter enjoyed this more because she's OCD and loves to clean. I've had to cut her off when it comes to the Clorox wipes. My son only joined in when we used the male weakness: "I bet you can't do this" Works every time. And wives it works on the hubsters too. But use it sparingly so they don't catch on. 


July 9: Get Well Soon Cards for Pappas
My grandfather (who I call Pappas - no one knows why) had to have a Pacemaker put in last Friday and so the kids got yet another chance to use the glitter pens they love so much. Elijah had fun making Spiderman and the Black Spiderman. I was actually pretty impressed because he used a white crayon to make a web shooting from his hand to a building. My little smarty pants! Oh and of course the kids always make me sing the SpiderPig song. Maddy on the other hand wanted her card to say Thank You. I tried to convince her to write Get Well Soon but after a couple tries I let it go because hey at least she's using her manners! Maybe it's a "Thank You for getting a Pacemaker" card. It's her card she makes the tough choices on what direction to go in with it.


July 10: Sweet Tooth Tuesday a.k.a. Marshallow Decorating 
This was basically an excuse to stuff marshmallows, whipped cream, chocolate and sprinkles in my mouth at once. And let me tell you after eating great all that day and going to the gym TWICE, I earned it. Ok, maybe not the best way of thinking but it was true. Elijah doesn't like marshmallows - WEIRD KID!! So he substituted strawberries instead. So technically I guess it counts as healthy, ya know, in some alternate universe where Carrabba's bread helps you get a six pack. Oh if only I could find a worm hole to that wonderful place. 


So that's what we've been up to so far. And although I plan to try out a few more of the ideas from my "Game Plan" I still think that the kids and I are having fun spending time together without following the plan. That's what I really wanted to get out of all of this and so far so good.

31 Days of Crafting: Game Plan

As you are aware my July plan is to complete AND ENJOY "31 Days of Crafting with my Kids". But what are we going to do? Well I am glad you asked. I have completed my list. I wanted to make sure I did a mixture of different things. Who wants to blog or read about the 31 days of coloring with my kids?? Not me!! So here is the list and it is linked to the site I found it on too, if you would like to attempt these with me.


1-4. RAK (Random Acts of Kindness) Handmade Cards for Senior Living Facilities
*Since I plan to do this once a week I am listing it as Numbers 1-4.
5. RAK Homemade dog treats for local shelter
6. Decorate Marshmallows on a stick

7. Bird Feeder A & Bird Feeder B (I did 2 options so we can see which one works better)

       

8. Snack Necklaces

9. Naked Egg Spoon Race (I added in the part to do a spoon race, gotta spice things up a bit)

10. RAK Homemade Cookies to Bums (the PC term would be Homeless or Residence-Challenged)
11. RAK Rice Krispy Treats to Texas Childrens' Hospital
12. Mommy Makeover - I'm going to let the kids do my hair and makeup and then we will go out in public...maybe!

 YIKES!!!!

13. Toe Painting - like finger painting but with our toes
14. Flubber

15. Fizzy Fun

16. Ivory Soap Explosion

17. Balloon Blow-Up

18. Volcano

19. Laser Obstacle Course

20. Sidewalk Paint

21. Slime in the Ice Machine (ok just Slime - but I had to throw in that Marvin Zindler reference) 

22. Diet Coke & Mentos Trick (I'm not going to do it as a prank. It will DEFINITELY be done outside)

23. Stained Glass

24. Cloud Dough

25. Disney Letter

26. Moon Phases with Oreos

27. Balloon Decorating - Coloring faces on balloons with markers
28. Giant Bubble Making

29. Bathtub Painting 

30. Mail Odd Items

AND FINALLY.....
31. Pool Noodle Race Track  

I really hope some of you will try out some of these. July is all about spending quality time with my kids without the constant assistance of Dora or Diego. Oh how I will miss them, but I am so looking forward to this experiment. Let me know what you think!!


I will be posting about the projects along the way. 

31 Days of Crafting with my Kids

In an effort to be a better mother and also to stop my husband from nagging at me about us not doing enough with the kids (it's always "us" when he wants me to do stuff...hmmm....weird) I have decided that I am going to do a little experiment. Not anything as extreme as sheep cloning, though I could use a clone of myself. Clone-Me would be responsible for all of the cleaning, cooking and anything else Regular Me doesn't want to do. I won't hold my breath for that but one can dream.


My experiment is to craft with my kids every day in July. I have been pinning things on Pinterest for a couple of weeks and now need to organize it all to figure out what I'm going to do each day. I can pretty much guarantee that my house will be a disaster next month. But that's ok because my husband said "we" would work together to keep the house clean. Oh wait...that means that I will be doing everything I guess. Ok, horribly messy house it is. I'm actually really looking forward to this. I have felt guilty that I don't do enough with the kids. I want to relax after working all day and squeezing in the gym. Who doesn't? But it's not fair to my babies. 


Some of the ideas that I have pinned right now I'm really excited about. I may have to double my anxiety medication to not freak out about the mess but I will take plenty of pictures. Then when my kids decide they need therapy because "Mommy was a freak about messes" I will waltz in and show that Shrink that there was a time when I let the messes slide and played with slime with my kids....once....when they were very little. 


Some of the crafts I am planning on tackling with the kids are going to be a blast. 

I also found a link to "75 things to do with your kids" and one was "Ding Dong Ditch". That should be a fun one to do to my neighbor that despises me. I'm sure she'll find the humor in that. Don't you think? No? Well I will just have to explain that I am crafting with my kids and she can kiss my big.........  Alright, that's probably not the best way to approach that situation. 

My next post will be about my neighbors and their big move. 

Hide and Seek

As a way to spend some quality time with the kids last Sunday, my husband made the mistake of suggesting we all play Hide and Seek. He obviously has a short term memory and forgot who his kids are. But what do I know, right?? In case you aren't sure the correct answer to that question is "Everything, Master!" 


So we start to play and the kids always like to "be it" and count. See they are weird kids. No kid wants to "be it". I remember feeling like it was a prison sentence to have to count, but nevertheless they love it so who am I to deprive them?? So they close their eyes and count to 10. I'm well hidden because I take this game very seriously. Why?? I don't really have an answer for that. I just know that I act like it's an Olympic Game that I will not lose. Well, that is until it's been about 20 seconds and my kids can't find me and start to cry. So then I have to go against my competitive Hide and Seek nature and say "Come find me" so they can get an idea of where I am. My kids rarely get my general direction until about the 5th "Come find me" when I'm now sweating from crouching in their closet for what seems like F-O-R-E-V-E-R!! I'm now cursing my husband for suggesting this game!!


They FINALLY find me so now it's time to find Daddy since he always seems to hide in dark areas where they are too scared to look. Clever!! So now that I'm sweaty I decide his break time is over. We find him too! Everyone is happy. Can I have a margarita yet?? No? Oh, yeah now it's our turn to count. 


1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15 Ready or Not, Here we come!! All I hear is "Hee hee" They are the worst hiders!! Then they step out and start laughing. They completely do not understand the game. But they are just so cute. It's hard to not start laughing and keep playing. 


I think that's what parenthood is: Doing things for your kids, even though you would rather lie in bed and read, just to keep hearing them laugh. Sometimes while I'm driving I just tell the kids to show me their ugliest face and then we have a contest to see who has the ugliest face. I always win! Uh...I probably shouldn't be proud of that, but I'm a mother so I am. 


Well I gotta go so I can play another game of Hide and Seek or Ugliest Face or watch Hoarders with the kids so we can yell "Ewww GROSS look at all those roaches!!" 


What can I say I'm a fun mom!

50 Lessons In Parenting: My Responses

Scary Mommy wrote this wonderful list which is completely true. It's like she lives in my house. So I decided to write my responses. Hope you enjoy!!

1. Super glue has no place in a house with young children. - Yet it just so happens I have some on my kitchen counters. I must like stress and yelling at my kids!! It's like I'm testing them. Poor kids, even I feel sorry for them....sometimes!

2. Neither do Sharpies. - Learned that the hard way....more than once. I must have a short term memory.

3. There is no such thing as allowing your kid to play with your phone "just once." - Or calling your friends by accident. I can't imagine the conversations my friends have listened to and yet they have still not reported me to CPS. That's true friendship!!

4. Don't use Google to diagnose illnesses. Ever. - My kids are hypochondriacs (if you know my husband you understand why) so I never worry about what they say. Unless there is vomit or their forehead has caught on fire from fever I'm sure they are fine, right??

5. Dollar store toys cost far more than a dollar in frustration, anguish and regret. - My kids still beg for these dumb toys and I still buy them. I must be a glutton for punishment. 

6. The terrible twos are bullshit. The terribleness lasts through at least age 4. Or, forever. - Thanks for the heads-up. Mine are 3 and 4 and I was hoping it would end soon, now I know not to hold my breath. I'm off to the liquor store now.

7. Always carry wipes, long after diaper wearing has ended. - I have said "Ewww GROSS, what is that???" too many times to count. 

8. Resist purchasing character Bandaids, unless you're prepared to buy a box a week. - I've explained to my kids Bandaids are for blood but it makes no difference to them. Dear Bandaid Makers - You have won this round with your Princess and Race Car themed Bandaids. I hate you. Sincerely, Frustrated Mother!!!!

9. You can never have too many Goldfish. The crackers, not the live ones. - Now I know why the make that HUGE Gallon sized box. It's made to get you through the weekend. Half are eaten the other half and split between the dogs and being crushed into the carpet and sofa. Goldfish should team up with Hoover and come out with a combo pack "Buy 2 boxes of Goldfish get a free vacuum". 

10. Don't buy bunk beds, unless you have absolutely no choice. - Haven't done this yet. But as with the rest of the things I shouldn't do I'm sure I will end up doing this against my better judgement. I hear a lot of fighting over the top bunk in my near future. 

11. Keep track of who gave what at birthday parties. - Who cares? Everything will be broken by the end of the day anyway.

12. Never stock batteries in your house, or you will be forced to make obnoxiously loud toys work once again. - I hate these toys. Yes HATE is a strong word. It's deserved!!

13. Buy Mr. Clean Erasers in bulk. - All cleaning supplies need to be bought in bulk, especially paper towels. 

14. Backup all photos. Better yet, print them. - I store them at work, that way they can't delete them with their innocent picture taking. 

15. Look in the oven before you turn it on. - I've put the fear of God into my kids about the oven and how it burns their flesh off if they even look at it. I think I'm good. 

16. There is no point in making beds. - I never understood the point, even when I was a kid.

17. Accept the fact that you will turn into your mother. - That happened a long time ago. My mother and I have a good laugh about this on a weekly basis. 

18. Always check pockets before washing clothes. - I never do, I like to be surprised with money, toys, candy, etc. 

19. There is no such thing as "running" into Target with children. - There is if you can outrun the kids. But be prepared for horrible looks from other shoppers. Damn judgmental people. 

20. Take more video. - They are so funny, especially when they aren't trying to be. 

21. Daily baths are overrated. - Agreed, I wouldn't want to dry out their baby soft skin or stop watching The Big Bang Theory 2 days in a row!

22. Find young babysitters and groom them. The less attractive, the better. - And once you find one, don't tell your friends, they will turn into vultures!!

23. Always have ample one dollar bills on hand for lost teeth and bribery. - My kids are still young enough that shiny pennies still do the trick!

24. Carry plenty of emergency snacks in the car. - I never have enough!!

25. Keep expensive cosmetics out of arm's reach. Arm's reach, on a stool and tippy toes. - Even then they still get to it. I swear they must be into witchcraft!!

26. The 4-year-old check-up is brutal. - That's what Frozen Yogurt is for, they forget that you just held them down to be stabbed over and over and begin to love you again.

27. Look before you sit down to pee. - Nothing like having to take a shower after because you didn't look and realize that your kid left you a nice present on the seat. 

28. Train your children to clean up all Legos before bed, knowing that nothing is more painful than stepping on a Lego with a bare foot at midnight. - It doesn't matter, I'm convinced the toys move while I'm sleeping so that I will still step on them. 

29. Save "no" for when it really matters. - My kids already know I hardly ever mean it when I say no. Well I mean it they just nag until I give in. 

30. Over-apply sunscreen. - I'm going to have to start buying this at Sam's Club to get the bulk discount. 

31. Practice caution when approaching that stray raisin on the floor. It's probably not a raisin. - With dogs and kids, my guess would be poop. 

32. Never pay full price for kids' clothes. They always go on sale and the expensive ones inevitably get ruined first. - I shop at a Thrift Store or Walmart (they are about the same thing). Usually by the time I get home they have grown out of it.

33. There's a reason why people surprise their kids with trips to Disney: Their anticipation may kill you. - My kids did a countdown everyday. But I don't know who was more excited my husband or my kids, he was egging them on.

34. Don't take their word for it when children say they don't need to pee before leaving the house. - Or poop!

35. Lock your bedroom door. - I do and then they have a meltdown outside my door. You would think ravenous wolves broke in my house and are eating them. And every time I get up to check and nothing. Is it bad that sometimes I am disappointed when I don't find wolves??? 

36. And, your bathroom one. - My kids honestly don't understand why I don't want an audience. Who wouldn't want someone watching them while they wipe and comment on their private parts???

37. Never open a can of soda handed to you by a child. - I don't keep soda cans in the house. Problem solved.

38. Walk away from temper tantrums. Or, record them for future enjoyment. - Or throw one yourself and see the horror in your kids eyes when they think they've driven you to insanity. Pretty funny!

39. Upset as you may be, hair grows back. - I've always caught them just in time!!

40. But, not on Barbie dolls, so hide the scissors. - I really wouldn't care, as long as they clean up the mess. Who am I kidding???

41. Never buy more than two pairs of shoes at once. Their feet will inevitably grow once you do. - Or let your mother buy them. 

42. No matter how hard they promise, kids will never walk that puppy as much as you hoped. - My husband has a pet store, it's not the kids I have to tell NO to about more animals, it's him. So far with 2 cats, 3 dogs, 3 snakes, and a tortoise I would say I'm not doing a great job!

43. Give away the books you can't stand reading. - Or don't buy them in the first place. 

44. No child went to college with a pacifier. - For my kids it would be a receipt and my daughter would need one of my shirts to suck her thumb with. Oh and FYI I met a 22 year old that sucked her thumb so don't be too sure. 

45. Don't buy any toy that is meant to come apart, unless they can put it back together themselves. - Even if they can put it together themselves they won't!!! I PROMISE!!

46. Keep a well-hidden stock of lollipops. - Any candy really, but keep it HIDDEN!! They are treasure hunters. 

47. Don't allow Play-Doh on carpets. Or, indoors, for that matter. - I never tell my kids to clean it up and then it just dries up and I can throw it away. I know, I'm brilliant!

48. TV won't really turn their brains to mush. - Thank God, I was having a little guilt now and then. 

49. A bathroom in a house with boys will never smell clean. - Especially when they never flush! You would think it would be easy for them to make it into the toilet since they can AIM. But regardless, it's everywhere else. 

50. It doesn't get easier. - Thanks for the good news. I wonder what the stats are on Mothers of small children and the consumption of booze?? 

Dinner at the IHOP

So now that you have read about how my children came into this world, it's time for you to realize the hilariously embarrassing moments I endure with them at my side. So I decide to take them to IHOP for dinner last night. What can I say I love pancakes!! So I tell me kids that I expect them to be quiet and GOOD when we go in. Why do I waste my breath???


Thankfully IHOP isn't crowded with people on a Thursday evening. I guess pancakes aren't as high on other people's priority list as they are on mine. Those people need help. So there I am surrounded by old people who give me sweet smiles because they think it's so precious that I am out to dinner with my sweet angels. All I can think is "You won't be smiling soon, you will probably be asking to be relocated possibly to a different IHOP!!" 

Kiddy Meltdown!!

So we sit down...CORRECTION my kids start getting loud about how they both want to sit by me. I'm trying to convince them otherwise while the waitress tries to suppress a laugh and take our drink order. Can't you see that I'm in the middle of KIDDY MELTDOWN over here?? Did I mention that I haven't even sat down yet???????? Geez, this was a great idea. So I sit down in between them (after I made the mistake of just scooting in the booth which meant only one kid would sit next to me). 


Ok so now we're seated. Drinks have been ordered. FYI IHOP doesn't have alcohol....I asked. Ok I guess I will just have to get buzzed on syrup covered pancakes - problem solved. So all is fine for a couple of minutes until my daughter decides to laugh really hard which of course squeezes a really loud fart out. Ok so if you don't have kids you would naturally assume she would be embarrassed and be quiet. WRONG!!! She proceeds to laugh harder (more farting...of course) and starts informing me - as if I didn't hear and now smell what had happened - that she farted. I try to quiet her down which only makes it worse. Those old people are not so smiley now. Hmmm.....weird. Apparently now since Maddy is laughing so hard she is also causing herself to burp. Yes that's right folks, it's coming out of both ends. 


What is my son doing while all this is happening, you ask? Well he's also LOUDLY pointing out what is happening. Embarrassed doesn't really seem an appropriate word for my feelings. I finally switch to the other side of the booth since I can't handle it any more. Where is that waitress with our food???? Time couldn't be crawling by any slower. So I try using my handy DISTRACTION tool and say "Hey guys why don't you draw Mommy a pretty picture" That worked for about 5 seconds. 


Our food has arrived!! Thank the Lord!! So I thought the farting/episode was bad, no no my kids made it worse by acting like they have never seen food before. Forks?? What are those?? They literally start picking up and shoving their food in their mouths. This is not finger food. I'm talking pancakes and eggs. Now the looks I'm getting from people seems oddly familiar. I finally put my finger on it. It's JUDGEMENT!!! I'm sure people are prepared to call CPS since I have now threatened my kids to no end to sit still, be quiet, use their forks, etc. 


CHECK PLEASE!!!! It continued until I could get the heck out of there and put those sticky crazed animals in my car and away from all those people that clearly had saints for children. The lesson here?? Never take my kids in public again - that seems rational and realistic. At least until I have another craving for pancakes!!

Deja Vu

2 minutes......


1 minute......


30 seconds......


How can I be taking another pregnancy test 3 months after I just had my son????


PREGNANT!!!! Cue the crying! This is obviously a pattern for me. 
1. Buy test
2. Take test
3. PREGNANT!!!
4. Cry!


Why am I crying this time?? Oh I don't know, maybe because I just barely got the clear from my Doc to engage in adult activities again. Damn that Doc!!! I'm sure it's all her fault. 


Fast forward to July 2008 where my son is 11 months and I have just given birth (au naturel - HORROR!!!) to my daughter. I have what people refer to as Irish twins. But I have a boy and a girl so I am done. No seriously, I found out what kept causing the "PREGNANT" result so I rectified the situation. I even went to far as to have something implanted in my arm to keep from having to pee on that cry-inducing stick again. 


My 2 sweet babies are a joy and a handful to have. I decide that I am going to be a stay-at-home mom. It lasts until my daughter is 5 months. Let me just say, if you are a SAHM I have the utmost respect for you. You must have the patience of a saint. I do not. I'm not ashamed to admit it. The first step is admitting you have a problem. So after 8 months of staying home I decided to go back to work partly because I missed it but mostly because we needed the income. So I did and got to socialize with adults again. It was great. Cue the Mommy Guilt!! Shouldn't I be crying?? Shouldn't I be counting the seconds until I can go home?? Well I wasn't so I finally just learned to deal with it. 


So now 3 years later my kids are happy, healthy, well-adjusted preschoolers. They love school, there is so much to do and plenty of friends to play with. I'm sure they think "Oh crap, Mommy is here to take us home!" when they see me. But the alternative is the scared and crying child that won't let their parent go when they are dropped off at daycare preschool (apparently there is a difference!!!). 


I believe I have made the right decision for my family. They seem as normal as they can be given the parents they were given. Only time and therapy will truly be able to tell.

Results: Pregnant

I'm a blunt person. Honesty is the best policy unless it's going to get you in trouble. Then I find that distraction is the way to go. When you don't get your period there is not really anything to distract you from your pending doom. So it's time to go to the drug store and buy the dreaded test. Since I'm blunt I don't deal with the tests that are plus or minus, or blue or pink. I like to know so I buy the digital "Pregnant or Not Pregnant" tests. 


It's a quiet evening in 2006 when I decided to pee on this little stick that will determine my fate for the next 20 years of my life....or not. I pretty much already know the results since my entire Mexican family are super fertile. If our spouses look at us we will spontaneously explode into full-blown pregnancy. If it's anything longer than a look we could be talking triplets. So after pulling my pants back on I must wait 3 FULL minutes before the test results are shown. 


2 minutes to go.....


1 minutes to go.....


30 seconds to go......


Getting the idea??


"Honey, it's time" 


PREGNANT!!! Cue the crying. Why? Well because I don't like life-changing surprises. Sure I love to be surprised with a trip to Bora Bora - not that it's ever happened but miracles can happen. So I start crying, mostly because we are living in a one-bedroom apartment and I feel that babies should be living in a large house with full-time nannies. I've been watching too much Keeping up with the Kardashians.


Well I thoroughly freak my husband out because he instantly assumes the worst of everything and is apparently beginning to think that I am crying because I'm not sure who the father is. Just to be clear I DO KNOW!!! So then like any sane woman does I stop crying and start laughing because I've been crying. I realize, hey I've got a good job with benefits, I'm married and the cherry on top is YES it is his baby. So I decide that I'm being irrational - which I'm sure was the first and last time of my life - and embrace that I have a little bugaboo growing inside my still slim and cute body. Keep in mind all of this has happened in about 45 minutes. What can I say? I adjust quickly.